Back in 2012 I started a series of posts — alright, technically it was only two posts total, but whatever — where I took terrible PR emails that got sent to DudeFoods, posted screenshots of them and made fun of them.
I always planned on making it a regular thing, but like all my amazing DudeFoods ideas that I’m constantly coming up with my laziness got the best of me and the next thing you know it… boom! Five years have gone by!
Well, the terrible PR emails are still rolling in pretty consistently, so I figured that it was about time to whip out the defibrillator and bring this column back to life!
One of the most recent terrible PR emails I received was from someone named Aurora from the website DogEtiquette.info who asked if she could write an article about coffee shop dog etiquette for DudeFoods.
First off, why the hell would I even want an article about bringing dogs to a coffee shop on a site called DudeFoods? This is almost worst than all those lame vegan fake meat companies like Morningstar and Boca that always offer to send me their crappy impostor burgers for free.
On the other hand, I have two dogs myself — What’s up Finn? How’s it going Holden? — so I thought “Hey, I might as well check this site out, maybe I can learn a couple things!” Well, as it turns out their tips when it comes to bringing your dog to a coffee shop are listed right on their website and oh yeah… they’re terrible….
Here are a few of them:
#1 – Owners may want to be prepared with a portable water bowl for their dog to use at the coffee shop if needed.
So I shouldn’t just buy my dog a venti Caramel Macchiato to drink!? Who knew!?
#2 – Tie your dog’s leash to your chair and keep an eye on the pup to ensure he’s not wandering or disrupting other customers.
Wait, you mean to tell me that I shouldn’t bring my dog to a coffee shop sans leash and just let him run wild humping people’s legs and grabbing bagels and sandwiches off their tables?
#3 – Pick up after your dog. (This one was also accompanied by a picture of poop)
OK, this one isn’t even a coffee shop thing, this is just a regular every day thing. Also, if your dog is still pooping indoors maybe just don’t even bring the dog to a coffee shop at all….
Literally every single “tip” they have could be summed up by just telling people to use some common fucking sense. If certain dog owners out there are too stupid to even realize these totally basic things, then there’s a 100% chance that they’re also too stupid to go to a website dedicated to teaching dog etiquette, and that my friends is Terrible PR Emails!